Note: This is a piece originally read aloud in May of 2018. This will be an interesting experiment to see if my writing is does justice to my delivery, which actually went over okay.
Regretsy was a site run by April Winchell that is now defunct and I miss it so I was kind of filling a void, as well.
For those unaware, Etsy is a site where makers of things like jewelry and other types of crafts can create their own “shops” from which to sell them. Anyone can do this and they can essentially sell anything. My descent into Etsy’s true meaning of everything has cast a dark shadow on the rest of my life. I present this to you under the name of a defunct site I miss very badly: Regretsy.
The following excerpts are based on search terms given to me by friends, who always seem to come through when I ask for stupid shit. So in a way, this says something about all of us. About the human condition. About the internet.
A woman makes her living off of the least intriguing part of the human skeleton. I find this when I’m searching for a present for a friend, a tooth necklace, and am not nearly specific enough in my search terms. I meant shark, or tiger, or alligator—anything that would’ve kept me from seeing a full set of human teeth held together with a string. I can’t differentiate between baby and adult fully because something in my brain alerted my thumb that it needed to scroll, NOW, but I do know that she has — or at least claims to have — far too many human teeth in her possession to sell for profit.
“Next time got to Jared, George, what the fuck?”
Nature’s true perfect resource. A short list of all of the things people can and will make out of the humble coconut
- Bath bombs
- Homemade bar soap
- Bowls but also with cutlery
- More buttons
- A surprising amount of intricately crafted coconut husk buttons
- Homemade soap but made to look like seashells this time, for the guest bathroom you never use
- Certified totally organic coconut oil “mixture” ORIGINAL RECIPE DO NOT STEAL
- More bath bombs but this time in a set with other types of bath bombs
- Aromatherapy oils
- Vintage looking 70s coconut fiber chair and ottoman SOLD OUT
- Coconut bras
- Mock coconut bowling balls but with holes carved too large for any human hand and in a way that it looks like it is screaming at you
- I cannot express enough the level of perfection the complete lack of any punctuation in this product description is elevated to:
- Coconut pie recipe this is my grandmother’s but she is dead and it is delicious.
There’s a seller just selling sets of twenty or so vintage British bus tickets. I am ashamed of how badly I wanted to buy them. I even tried for a few minutes to convince myself that I could be a scrapbooking person, just to justify buying those goddamn bus tickets. I could pretend I’ve been places, they were so colorful—I could flash them to people and make them wonder how I was in London in the year 1979 and then just walk away.
A cursory search revealed more results than expected, but taught me nothing except for the fact that if I ever hear someone refer to anyone as a “Splenda daddy” I think a vein or something will burst in my head and I hope my death is painless
“She thought she got herself a sugar daddy, but when he rolled up in his Subaru she realized she’d gotten a Splenda daddy instead.”
I was going to say “it’s amazing what people will solder into spoons if you pay them enough money” but I asked the shopkeeper if they would write “fuck your cornflakes” and they said “we run a wholesome business.”
That said, a “related shop” to this wholesome business was someone selling their honeymoon bedsheets, bloodstains and all, and the product description left out WHY which is the most important part of this listing.
It was after this point that every push notification lightning up my screen that said “recommendations just for you” made my life flash before my eyes.
Yeah, okay, fuck off.
It IS amazing that there is a shop that specializes in making fake angel wings you can put on your newborn for photos that you think your family wants to see, and that you’ll never use again.
I don’t want to provide pictures of other people’s exploited newborns and you can’t possibly find this idea interesting enough to argue with me.
There’s a felt potato plushie that literally looks like it could be anything. The pessimist in me wants to say it looks like a piece of shit but I can also argue it could be an off-color pinto bean. Either way, it has anime eyes and little pink blush stickers and the product description has the word kawaii in it twice and also, upon first seeing it, I wanted it more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. It would be here with me today if I had the money to get it shipped from it’s dubious point of origin—a one-woman business somewhere in Italy.
(Impulse control was also a part of me not buying the anime potato, I spent a night awake asking myself how far I was willing to go for the sake of a bit, and the answer was “not to Italy.”)
I regret to inform you all of the following: in my quest to find my potato friend, I’ve come to the conclusion that he has been sold.
The end of my journey takes me into the realm mythical reptile we all secretly want. After all of this time looking at the multiple aforementioned abominations, this hidden realm of Etsy to which I should have never strayed, these crafts that god forgot, the only thing striking me about this search entry is that too many people who claim to be real fans of Dreamworks’ 2010 animated masterpiece How to Train Your Dragon do not know which tailfin Toothless is missing it is the LEFT ONE you AMATEURS, it’s SYMBOLISM and a key part of a fucking emotional journey, just go back to harvesting teeth